Why I will never Dab

Social media trends are the stones in my kidneys, the surcharge on my card, the spell check when I’m trying to write the tax to my Durrie but it keeps changing it to currie. Last night I had a nightmare… I woke up in my bed when suddenly a giant gorilla stormed into my room, making me piss the bed like drew on a saturday night. The gorilla then rips its face off reviling my friend pete greeting me with the phrase ‘sah dude” which is then followed by "never forget hambre”. Scared shitless me and pete (dickhead wanker really) go out to an “indie” cafe and post photos of our $20 avocado on toast on Instagram #hiddenniche but really we are just at 63. While eating this green substance my friend starts to throw his 63 plastic water bottle in the air attempting for it to land on it’s bottom. Shivers run down my bony spine from this display and fear stifles my very existence. Eventually, when pete succeeds at this action the words “Damn Daniel’ spill from my mouth. In a half insomniac dream state I feel infected almost corrupted. I’am the metamorphism of my own hell. Delusional we suddenly appear at the train station and my subconscious robotic mind ends up planking on the train tracks. Starring up into Pete’s succulent blue eyes as he screams "nice one harry” (replacing Gary with Harry, very original haven’t heard that one before asshole). It was a long day and I end up getting fully decked out in my Peter Alexandra pjs and curl up into a little ball in my bed and go to sleep. And just as my eyes die…. I’m awake terrified, horrified, stupefied by that grotesque dream that just occurred. Shaken with the fear of social media trends calling for my mum to help me, eye balls reaching out of my face covered in tears trying to seek salvation from the demonic plague that has infected our modern world. But I count my blessings and be thankful that I didn’t dab in my night terror for then I would truly be sent to the great lake of fire.

Now you may be wondering why I’am so scared of social media trends (SMT) this is because SMT are an omnipresence of stupidity. The poorest and most vulgar form of humour. They are a spit in the face to creativity and originality. “Oh wow look at me I’m so funny I can copy what everyone else is doing” yeah good on you what a waste of your parents sperm, time and money but seeing that they raised such a worthless, incompetent piece of dirt. It is apparent that you copied their vile and unruly lifestyle just like you copy SMT. Therefore, it can be concluded that you and your parents are both oxygen thief’s (100% valid argument). SMT are very much like the plague. The people sharing videos or posts on social media of these trends are the rats. They spread the virus around carelessly infecting the weak and vulnerable. The victims of the plague then are masked and follow blindly to the trend, they are sick. In sight of this just like the black plague where black crosses where used to mark the sick I hold that we should mark all victims of the SMT plague with the word “wanker” across there forehead. This way we can identify the sick from the normal people and give them the treatment that they deserve. I propose that the treatment that should be put in place should be relevant to the type of SMT sickness. For example if someone planks too much we have a group planking were the whole town beats up the sick person with wooden planks. According to my research this will cure the illness. However, the treatment for dabbing should be death by dabbing.

Dabbing is a terminal illness that exposes one to be a complete and utter wanker. Pointing ones hands diagonally towards the sky, such a flamboyant and superfluous type of humour. That ranks one with hitler and Julia Gillard. There is no such current treatment for dabbing and thus I believe it would be best to make every person that dabs to dab till they die. Now you may ask how this is possible, well by any means necessary we will make the sick dab till they die. Some options I have thought of include holding a gun to there head, threatening to smash their CD of the weekend, holding there family members hostage, any leverage to cure this sickness. This will deter and dissolve the plague of SMT hopefully. I have a worst case scenario plan however if these treatments don’t seem to be working, we will create a SMT that is essentially fatal. This will be done by firstly bugging Justin bieber’s house with hidden cameras. We will then drug Justin Bieber with roofies and take a photo of him sucking my friends penis (namely nick because he is a closet homosexual). The ramifications of this will cause Justin Beiber to hopefully realise that if he comes out gay he will loose all his fans as they are pre-pubesnt girls and instead of explaining this to the media that will eat him like a pregnant women and strawberry ice-cream he will shoot himself in the head in his own home. The non-retarted reader will remember that we put cameras in his home, we will then post this on line and it will catch on as a social media trend. Now you may be questionable of this but it’s a thing called copy cat suicide. And with the growing rate of social media trends and Beiber’s fame I conclude that this will wipe out all people infected with the social media plague and as well kill Justin Beiber so it is a win win.

The obvious question here is “is having this blog a social media trend? Are we coping Sophie? Am I the preacher as well infected and need to be cured. Wait is talking about this blog being a social media trend a social media trend? my head is exploding. WTF just hold up a god damn second is talking about talking about this blog being a social media trend a social media trend?…….fuck you and goodnight